I could make wine with my vomit
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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