so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
