Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
