Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
