Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
