I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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