he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
