i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize