The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
