A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
last night I used snow as a chaser
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
