sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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