Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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