I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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