ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
