Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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