How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
organizing the empties. That sober.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
