btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
