I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize