Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
