im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
