I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
