Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
God I need to hump something, right now.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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