went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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