When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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