im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
