If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
