dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
