now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
