When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
