omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
