I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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