so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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