in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
