Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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