Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
