Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
