Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
