Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
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I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
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Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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