Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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