so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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