it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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