i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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