Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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