mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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