my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
