i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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