this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
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She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
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I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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