Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
