She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize