Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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