You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
