She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
