my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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