so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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