I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
