Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
